Danny Dalen has written about his journey last weekend for their mini tour across Florida. This had me laughing so hard I had to post it on Zero Warning.
Day 1, Friday:
We load up the Trailer and CRV.
Stratton paints fingernails black in hopes of picking up Goth Chicks along the way.
Andrew backs over his belongings. Breaks French Press inside his bag. Makes dumb joke about it.
Connor is thrown in the trunk and forced to get us drinks from the cooler when ordered to.
We Shove off to sea in a mildly cramped CRV.
We Listen to Iceage in the Car. Andrew relates to the line, “I don’t use my cell phone ever” in the song “Forever”. He is informed that the line is in fact, “I’d Lose Myself Forever”. He is disappointed.
We arrive in Gainesville
Micah and Strat go pick up Chinese and Taco Bell.
In Taco Bell, they watch this Scene girl get a cup out of the trash and fill it up with soda after her boyfriend refuses to buy her a drink. She then screams at her boyfriend, “This is all I wanted!” and storms out.
I chow down on Chicken Lo Mein at venue.
Some Country dude sings a song about masturbation.
I take a 2 set-long nap inside CRV
I wake up and play 2 sets.
Strong Guys and Death Nips play sometime in the A.M. They both kick butt.
We leave the venue.
We drive in circles around Gainesville for half an hour. Strat finally remembers that the our lodging location is near a Checkers. We are saved.
We arrive at The Shire. Strat, Connor, Micah, and I sleep in room with a pet snake and a regurgitated rat in the Snake’s Cage.
The stench is horrendous.
We manage to fall asleep, however.
Day 2, Saturday:
Andrew wakes up at 8:30 despite going to bed at 4:30. I wake up 2 hours later.
Andrew and I (Mainly Andrew) make Coffee, Bacon, Eggs, and Oatmeal.
Tyler and Tim reveal that they, “bonded” after sleeping together in the same bed.
Our show in St. Augustine gets sort of canceled. We search for another show to play in the area.
Strat suggests opening for Flyleaf. Rest of the group shoots idea down quickly. Strat goes through Flyleaf’s discography in an attempt to convince us otherwise. Eventually, he gives up and goes back to playing to Disturbed from his mac.
Elias arrives at The Shire after spending his night watching Strong Guys’ Drummer get, “Mayo” tattooed on buttcheek.
We decide to kill time in downtown Gainesville while waiting for show possibilities to materialize.
Strat cuts off some lady. Lady is infuriated.
The original show gets moved to different venue a couple blocks away.
We go back to the Shire. Then Leave for St. Augustine soon after.
Tim, Strat, Micah, Connor, and Andrew go in CRV. They drive through Mannville where they’re forced to take their shirts off due to manliness requirement in Mannville
Elias, Tyler, and I go in the Hyundai. I have no choice but to pee on the side of the road after being unable to find a gas station within a 20 mile radius.
We Pass a Gas station less than a minute later.
We see car with bumper sticker stating exactly, “If it ain’t King James it ain’t Bible”.
We arrive at the Venue. I notice that the venue somehow got ahold of my middle school Ipod.
Blind Melon, Sublime, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and 311 echo through my memory chamber while I sit down waiting for the rest of the crew to arrive.
The CRV gets to the venue. We walk to the place where we were going to play before show got moved. Hang out. Eat.
Tyler and Strat ridicule me for bringing carrots and nuts as snacks on tour.
We sit through the acoustic set of a suicidal goat. Strat taps out and goes outside.
The Goat seems to be a jovial dude when I talk to him afterwards though.
I’m unable to make it through round 2 of depressing singer-songwriters, so I go outside to talk to Tim.
The conversation shifts from Hunter S. Thompson to Johnny Depp in “The Rum Diary”.
Totally Plastered Bartender comes outside and says, “You wanna hear something about Johnny Depp that you probably didn’t know?”
Proceeds to tell us the story about Depp shooting Thompson’s ashes out of cannon. We tell him that we were already aware.
He tells us that Thompson is huge inspiration to him and offers to send us his written memoirs about, “All of the crazy shit that I’ve done”.
We go back in to watch Bird Eat Bird play again with us tonight. I enjoy his humourous spoken word. Death Nips kicks butt again afterwards.
We sing along to, “I love the walls, they’re so soft” during their set.
“Slow Motion Lifeguard Running” plays through my head while I set up for GCG.
I mess up my solo in “Vineyards”. Then Play it 50 times in a row while the rest of Poster sets up.
Poster plays pretty good set, despite Strat’s Twin wanting to do its own thing and not function properly.
I struggle to stay awake through the set because I didn’t get my pre-set nap.
Drunk Tim starts to emerge after Poster’s Set. Asks everyone to carry him to the bathroom.
Pop Punk band after us plays a Flyleaf cover. Strat is overjoyed. Sings along to every word of the song.
After the show, Connor gives Tim a smack on the lips. Tim woots, gets half-chub, and goes to talk to other band.
Strat notifies Connor that he’s kissed more boys than girls. Connor denies actually kissing Tim. He claims that he put his hand in front of his mouth.
Micah, Connor, Strat, and I go crash at my grandma’s house in Green Cove Springs.
My cousin informs us that he sleeps with a switchblade under his pillow.
Strat remarks that his plans to mug my cousin (that he didn’t know even existed until tonight) are now foiled.
I Start to get homesick. As in, I miss my dog.
Elias, Tyler, Tim, and Andrew go to Elias’ place in Fleming Island. Tyler and Drunk Tim are surprised how nice Elias’ house is.
Tim is unable to stop telling Elias, “Dude, your place is so nice”.
Day 3, Sunday:
We wake up to the oven at my grandma’s house catching on fire.
After it’s put out, we grub on some french toast and bacon.
Over the breakfast table, Connor tells my Grandma that he was just going to let Strat sleep if house burned down.
Strat assures him he would do the same thing.
My Cousin tells me he had dream about Henry winkler massaging his back.
We leave to meet up with everyone else at waffle house. On the way, google maps tries to get us to drive through a fence.
We meet everyone at Waffle House. An Employee tells me that I can’t take video inside. Strat breaks their jukebox. We leave for Panama City.
We realize that the Crv is about to run out of gas in middle of I-10. We frantically search for a gas station.
After driving a good ways off of the interstate, we reach our oasis.
After our pit stop, Google maps tries to lead us into a rape shack. We turn around and finally make it back on I-10.
Tim, Elias, Andrew, and Tyler abandon idea of meeting up with us for lunch after we fall an hour behind them because of our little detour.
Pom Pom plays during the drive. I point out that Ariel Pink would be a good guest on Sesame Street. Then I Start singing songs from pom pom in Kermit the Frog voice.
I show Connor the art of Youtube Poop.
Strat does frighteningly accurate motorhead impression. Then shows us Titus’ favorite band Pinkletank. Connor, Micah, and I feel uncomfortable after watching the band’s music video for their song, “Hot Dang”.
Elias’ party arrives at the hotel. Tim checks in for us.
Strat manages to go through two tanks of gas to get from Jax to Panama City. This was due to us going 80 with a trailer on the interstate.
We arrive and Tim initially refuses to let us in the back door of the hotel.
Strat calls him a pleb and tells him that, “We’re the patricians on this tour, so you need to let us in”.
Tim eventually complies and lets us in.
Strat takes a poo in the room with the door open for some reason.
Tyler and I take a trip to the hot tub. Micah eventually joins us.
Tyler makes us take a selfie in hot tub, saying that he wants to give the fans what they want; a peek of his titties.
We go back to the room. Watch Home Alone on T.V. Sabrina the Teenage Witch comes up in the conversation somehow. Andrew makes joke of the year.
We leave for the Venue. Free Coffee + half off sandwiches for bands at the venue. The dudes running the place were super nice.
Connor buys the Velvet Underground and Nico Cd.
Andrew, Elias, and I talk to this sketchy looking dude outside a bar next door. He tells us about how he has been singing karaoke at this bar for like 10 years or something. Says he can just go up there and sing “Ice Ice Baby” with his eyes closed because he knows all of the words. Complains about how people don’t take it seriously enough and always forget the words.
Also, he talks to us about all the hardcore Parkour stuff he does and how he invented his own type of flip. He then does a backflip. We applaud. Then does like 2 more backflips just to assure us that he can do a backflip.
I pretend to go get coffee inside to avoid anymore awkward interaction.
The first band plays. Purty cool. Mathyjazzy
G.C.G. plays really quiet and it sounds pretty good.
I can hear Connor’s vocals for the first time playing live with Poster.
There are like 25 crustpunks standing outside the venue in front of a bar just talking.
There’s a dude with a shaved head except for the back, which has dreads.
We watch the next band improvise their entire set, which lasts like 45 minutes.
We spot 2 future versions of Andrew at the venue. One 10 years in the future, one 45 years in the future.
We head back to the hotel. Elias, Tyler, Tim, and I try to go to drive through Wendy’s before going back to the hotel.
They close the drive through right as we pull in.
We get back to the hotel. Tim and Micah go to the hot tub.
Andrew shows Strat G.C.G’s dark past via old demos that I emailed him years ago.
Elias shows us his much, much better old stuff as well. Strat loses it after seeing a song titled, “The Forest Fucks My Dark Remains”. Insists that Elias show it to Titus.
Tim and Micah finally come back from the hot tub 2 hours later. Everyone assumes they were making out. Tim confirms this theory.
We finally go to sleep around 4:00 am.
Day 4, Monday:
Elias wakes me up early to head back to Jax.
Andrew and Tyler join us for the free hotel breakfast before Elias and I head out.
I burn my tongue on some really hot coffee.
Andrew talks about how McDonald’s coffee is way too hot.
We leave the hotel.
We listen to The Velvet Underground cd that Connor let us borrow.
We stop to get gas. Inside the gas station is a Burger King. I go inside and see that they have the Encyclopedia of Soda, which has Lemon-Lime Sparkling water; my favorite drink of all time. I am left no choice but to purchase a small drink from Burger King, the establishment that I loathe.
Ironically, Connor and Micah later send me a video and a photo, repectively, of themselves at that same BK.
Elias and I discuss everything from North Florida to Chem labs to Twee pop to Vegetarianism to Chess during the drive.
We arrive at my Grandparent’s house. I get my stuff out and put it in the Garage.
I attempt to give Elias a fist bump with my hands full. I Fail.
Instead, I throw up deuces after I put the last of my stuff in the garage.
End of First Mini tour
Overall, it was a great success. Minus the fact that Strat never got any Goth girls, almost everything went according to plan.
Thank you to everyone we played with and everyone who came to watch our set. Thanks to all the venue owners, promoters, and workers. Everybody was super nice to us and took care of us financially and hospitably. Thanks to the dude at The Shire for letting us use your house. If someone reads this and is offended by some certain words, I’m sorry. Juss telling it like it isss.
*Jake from strong guys already had the word, “Mayo” tattooed on his buttcheek. Elias watched him get an upside down sail boat tattooed on his arm that night.